You’ll forgive me. This is about to get crude. But then again, so was the video call I received. Unsolicited, I might add. The caller began not with a greeting or introduction, but with a sharp accusation:
“Why are you shoving <xyz> down people’s throats?”
For context, the feature in question was a color scheme. A palette. One that matched the company’s brand. Which I don’t control. And while I do have preferences, I was hardly offended by it. The colors were fine. But this person, who neither owned, nor was responsible for the product or the colors, felt it was their place to be berate me. And quite literally accuse me of shoving colors down peoples throats.
Now, I have been known in certain circles to tell people to shove things up their a**, but very rarely have I been accused of shoving things down someone else’s orifices. So you can imagine my internal response was less than cheerful.
My external response, however, was stone-faced.
One must ask: what makes a person believe this is a reasonable way to begin a first interaction with a colleague? We had never spoken before. Not once. And yet he chose that moment to arrive, verbally armed and ready.
I like to imagine he thought long and hard about that opener. Sat in silence. Let it swirl in his imagination. Rolled the phrasing across the soft folds of his frontal lobe until it felt weaponized. Crafted it for maximum impact. As if it would intimidate me into… what, exactly?
Changing the colors?
Pulling the product?
Suddenly seeing the brilliance of his perspective and falling to my knees in gratitude?
“Ah yes, now that you’ve berated me, it’s all so clear.”
Look, I try to give people the benefit of the doubt.
Maybe he was having a bad day.
Maybe he was drunk-dialing me.
Maybe he’s a man with limited bandwidth for empathy and a long track record of shouting women into submission.
Whatever the backstory, I’ll own my part: answering an unsolicited call was a mistake. “The call is coming from inside the house,” after all, is both horror movie wisdom and workplace survival strategy.
But here’s the thing: opening with an attack is neither welcome nor acceptable.
There are many ways to express feedback, to challenge decisions, to disagree with one another in meaningful, productive ways.
This wasn’t one of them.
I shared the story not because it’s extraordinary, but because it is so ridiculously common. At some point, nearly every professional is going to be confronted by someone who mistakes aggression for authority.
My standard response now is to simply smile and end the conversation as quickly as I can. I don’t have anything to prove. But not everybody has this option.
For people who are not in my position who are receiving this kind of interaction, I offer you this advice:
- After someone says something incredibly rude, pick up your pen and pretend to write something down. Give yourself a few seconds before you respond.
- Breathe and stay calm. Do not meet fire with fire. Especially if you’re a woman. It ends poorly for us.
- In the back of your notebook, keep a set of go-to lines you can use when someone is rude. Things like: “Would you repeat that?” “What did you intend when you said that?” “What is the root of your concern here?” It is really difficult to respond in the moment when you feel overwhelmed, angry, or attacked. Having fallback language helps. A lot.
- Document everything. Write down what they said, when they said it, and how they said it. Then tell someone you trust.
- Pick the battles you’re going to fight. Not every jerk is worth escalating over, but some absolutely are.
Most importantly, don’t normalize this behavior. It’s not OK, and it’s not normal, and you don’t deserve it.
Do not mistake this for venting. There is power in naming a behavior for what it is, choosing not to tolerate it, and helping others recognize they’re not alone when it happens to them. And it absolutely is happening to others if some clowns are doing it to me.
Comments are closed